Where Does the Good Go?

What do you do when your life has decided to stay in one long bad moment? How do you force yourself to get out of bed in the morning? Face the people who like to go out of there way and make it worse? How do you take that first step every day knowing that what waits for you is even more misery and bad moments? When does the good out weight the bad? When do you face the fact, again; that this is just life?Right now your not in a good place, but the world will tilt itself again and at some point the odds have to turn out in your favor, just long enough to out weigh the bad times and perhaps make you forget just long enough that when the bad times hit again, and they inevitably will; you can face it.

It's all life. You get up in the morning, because you have to hope that today will be the turning point. You take that first step, because if you don't things will only get worse. You face the people who will dish out there own life problem on you because every once in awhile there is that one person, having a good moment, that will make you smile for the first time in you can't remember. That one person that will keep you afloat, even if just for that day.

God knows life is hard, he is always sending out life rafts to those in need of them. Will you see it when it gets to you? Or will you pass by it, to far gone in your own misery to notice the blinding light standing beside you?

Where does the good go? And how do we get it back?

NaNoWriMo Preparation

When I jump into my writing, chaptered or short story; I always have a somewhat plan. I know what the story is about; I know relatively what will go into each chapter etc. Often the characters will decide to change things taking the story into new directions, but the main objective almost always remains the same and the general idea of what will go into each chapter is always there. And then there is my novel. 

The idea, came to me…so long ago, I don’t even know when; I do believe I was still in High School, which means that it’s been at least ten years. I did not act on it too much, so many ideas coming into my head, characters forming, and changing…a lot. I would write little pieces of things down but they would never feel completely right.

In the last few months my Novel, or really I should say novels; as this has grown so big it will take at least three books to tell, has began to solidify. My characters have become a lot clearer, now with full names and a lot more personalities. The places there journeying will take them has become a little more clear as well, with societies, histories and new supporting characters to help and hinder my main characters adventures.

The main plot remains the same, but now the enemy is more then just the evil villain, there is a life behind him, a story and a great mystery. Meanwhile sub-plots are beginning to form, and build.
And yet with all this knowledge, I know nothing! In all my stories I always start at the beginning and I let my characters lead me one chapter at a time. But with my novel, all attempts to start at chapter one has ended poorly. I don’t know my characters well enough yet to start at the very emotional beginning. But then where do I start? The end? It’s a thought! But then, I only know tiny portion of the end, I can hardly close opened doors if I don’t know where the doors are or what is in them.

The challenge of NaNoWriMo is 50,000 words in the month of November. My own challenge will be to write as much of this story as I can, which means I need some kind of plan, right? Maybe not! With so many pieces of the puzzle that is this novel running ramped in my head perhaps I should just write. Everything currently in my head out onto my computer and backed up on my external hard drive. Then later I will just have to put the pieces together and keep writing.

So now that I know what I am going to do, I need to be ready if I am going to make the word count and win this challenge. I need to begin to focus on the main scenes that like to play and re-play in my head, begin to notice the details, and figure out why the things that are happening, are in fact happening. How did they get to this point? Maybe after this November Exercise is complete I will know my characters enough to be able to go back to the beginning and just write like I do all my stories.

My fingers are crossed.

I wish everyone participating in this years NaNoWriMo great luck, and I will see you on the other side!

Lauren

My NaNoWriMo Page

Destination: Unknown – 2 – Hello Alien Planet

I was born on a Monday, November 15th 1982 at 7:30 AM.  I came into this world wondering whose bright idea it was to have me so early in the morning. 11 AM or better yet noon would have been a little more humane, let a girl sleep in on what will be her first day out of the protected cocoon of her mother’s womb.

But alas, at the ungodly hour that is 7:30 AM, there I was, looking a lot more like E.T. then a baby as I stretched my neck out to look around this strange new headache giving, complicated world. Hello alien plant, after a long journey I have landed at last, now for the love of God, let me go back to sleep.

Destination: Unknown Project – 1 – Introduction

I’m at a point in my life where I am trying to figure out who I am, how I got here and what in the world am I to do with my life?

Life is scary, hard and amazing.

How did I get to where I am right now? How did my life end up so off course that I am still working in a Cafe located in a grocery store? What sequence of events left me living in a tiny bedroom with my bipolar landlord and her emo daughter who has her hateful boyfriend over all the time? How did I end up in so much dept that I won’t be able to move on until some of it is somehow paid off? Where did I go wrong? Or maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be… Maybe God has a plan for me and this is where I am supposed to be right now. These are lessons I have to learn in order for me to maybe deal with even harder things later in life. (I shudder at just the thought.)

In this series, I want to look back and track my life thus far to try and find out exactly how I got here. And maybe, just maybe I can find a hint as to where I am supposed to go from here. Who knows, maybe 20 years after this project is completed I’ll do this again starting here, and get to see if I managed to get it right.

Welcome to the Destination: Unknown Project, I hope you enjoy the ride.

Lauren

The Morning Workout

Wake up. That’s always the best first step to any morning workout. 

The next step and probably the hardest would be getting out of bed. You lay in bed, eyes tightly shut going through every single reason why you need and want to get up and workout.

‘I want to loose weight.’

‘I want to fit into smaller clothes.’

‘I want to feel better about myself.’

‘I need to be healthy.’

‘I have to get out of bed sometime before work.’ Etc.

After a good half hour to an hour you roll over, open your eyes and groan. You can do this! No I can’t! Yes I can…groan. 

You sit up then growl, loudly. Hair goes up in a ponytail, then you dig out your workout clothes from the place you hid them hoping to never see them again. Finally after putting them on, and thinking of every excuse why you should not do this; ‘it’s way to hot outside!’ you roll out your yoga mat and do a warm up before grabbing your phone and music and hitting the pavement. 

Ten minutes later your already wanting to turn around and are thinking of all the roads that will take you right back to your front door long before your chosen route has been completed. But with every fiber of will in your body you keep going straight when said shortcuts make there appearance as they always do.

‘I got out of bed and am already out here might as well finish this!’

You pass your landmarks silently screaming with joy that you made it this far, got to keep going.

You reach the last shortcut. Your only a mile from finishing your route, but your hot, thirsty, exhausted and you realize you haven’t actually finished your route is months, you always take that last short cut. So maybe this is not a shortcut, it is the route now. You know that’s a lie you tell yourself to try and make it right. You need to do the whole route eventually. That shortcut is coming; you have to make a decision. Finally you decide to just pretend you never saw the shortcut, opps you missed it! Have to finish the full thing now, there is NO turning back. 

Suddenly there it is: home, Gatorade, air conditioning, a cold shower, a bottle of water and my bed, that of course is when you realize… you’re starving.

Numb & Tingly

Aug 3 2010

               I try to give blood every two months and it’s not uncommon for my arm to either get tingly and hurt while it happens or for my arm to hurt and my fingers to feel tingly for a few days afterward. It always goes away, I can deal with it with the knowledge that my blood might have helped save someone’s life.

                I gave blood July 29 2010 it was very quick as always. The phlebotomist who originally had me could not find a vain with her fingers so she called the phlebotomist who I normally have, over. She said she could find a vain in my right arm right away and quickly marked it then put the needle in, one shot, worked immediately, I barely felt a thing. I did not experience any of the normal numbness or tingling in my fingers while it happened or right after for that matter. I remember thinking, ‘man she’s good!’  It was my day off so I rested the rest of the day.

                July 30^th was a normal day at work. I sold food, cleaned then went back to the dish room as it was my dish night. The dishes consist of near constant lifting of around 100-200 pans that weight in range of 5 pounds to 20 pounds. I do this 2-3 times a week, so it’s nothing new.  Nothing happened during dishes; I did not pull anything or bend awkwardly, nothing hurt afterward. 

                July 31^st, I woke up with my right arm numb, tingling and sore. I figured I must have slept on it in my sleep then rolled over onto my back just before I woke up and now I just had to wait a few minutes for my arm to wake up. It did for the most part. But the area around my elbow and the crook in my arm where the needle had been put in kept throbbing and my fingertips kept feeling tingly. I looked it up online and found that this seemed to be common with people who had given blood days before. I shrugged, and went on with my life. 

                Aug  1^st was a little worse. My elbow area still throbbed, my fingers still tingled but now my right arm and hand felt heavy and although I could still feel if I touched something, the sensation was very dull and it felt weird. Whenever I did something that required a little more work then say typing, my whole arm would hurt. When I got up from my bed that morning a very sharp pain ran down my right leg making me bend over gasping. It went away the moment I sat back down. Sporadically through out the day this would happen before it stopped all together that evening, however there was now tingling in my toes and general heaviness in my leg.

                Aug 2ed, my right arm was still heavy, my fingers tingly, but the general pain in my elbow area was gone. I was relieved until I picked up something light like a piece of paper and my entire arm and fingers throbbed.  My right knee was throbbing slightly, my leg felt a little heavier and my toes were full on tingling. What also caught me strange was my right side between my arm and leg felt a little heavy as well. I had dishes at work that night. It took me twice as long to do, though I didn’t feel out of rhythm. I went home tired, my feet were throbbing, my right arm hurting. 

                Today, I woke up and could only groan. My right arm, heavy and fingers tingling, was still sore. My right leg feels like my right arm. My right side is still heavy, only now so is the right side of my neck, face and even head. It feels like half of my brain is heavy and both my right half of my face and head tingling. To make it worse now my left arm is slightly heavy, throbbing and my left fingers are tingling too. I am also having a slight loss of sensation in my left fingers.  On my face, I can still see just fine, but my right eye does not feel like it’s in the right place. (I looked in the mirror, it’s in it’s proper spot on my face.) However my entire right side is slightly swollen now. 

I was planning on calling the donation center today but this is way beyond just my arm after giving blood. I don’t have a primary doctor anymore, I did not like the last one I tried and the waiting list to see a doctor anywhere it seems is astronomical. Seriously, two weeks before there is an opening? And that is at the doctor’s office I don’t like. Others have more like a months wait. Finally, I don’t want to go to the ER. It is so expensive even with insurance! A $100 up front, then a bill from every doctor that saw you. Furthermore I can’t go to the ER today, as I have work at 2pm, there is no way I would be out by then. I might not have even seen a doctor by then. I am however off tomorrow. But of course I have dishes again tonight.

Thoughts? Comments? Ideas?

Vegetarian for Four Months and my Weight Issues

Wow, didn’t know I had it in me. My dad was shocked when I came home for 4^th of July and was sill a Vegetarian, he fully expected me to have given it up by now. In fact I don’t remember hearing one meat or veggie joke the entire trip, well at least not from him.

                As time passes the easier it is to bypass the meat sections and head straight to the rest of the store. My problem now; after loosing 50 pounds, is getting off this weight loss plateau I entered upon becoming a vegetarian and start loosing again. All the people I know who became vegetarians gained lots of weight so when I decided to do this, I was very, very careful not to let that happen. I was successful in that aspect; I am still the same weight as I was when I started this journey.  

                It’s time to move forward. I have started a new exercise routine that I am going to stick to… even if I have to get up extra early to do it. This can’t be like all previous routines where I did it for awhile then one day did not feel like it and never did it again. 

                I need to incorporate a more vegetarian smart diet, that’s right Lauren, more vegetables! No, no…NO!!! AND dare I say it…less junk food… falls to the floor sobbing. 

                One step at a time I think. I’m afraid that if I try to do it all at once I may not make it…at all.

Wish me luck and a massive amount of will power!